Five years ago I signed on to do some Production Assistant work on an independent feature starring Nickelodeon personality, and rap superstar Coolio. It was the passion project of Tim Anderson; a guy in his 20’s who pulled every last string he could to finance, produce and direct his first feature film.
We were all young and excited, with most of us volunteering to work lengthy days without any promise of pay, because we were so eager to be a part of something we believed in.
After long days on set, there was one thing we all unanimously looked forward to: Chipotle. We would hungrily gawk at the seemingly never ending selections before us, and spend concerted effort trying to make the right decision. Chipotle was a haven for us in those days. It was a cheap, good place we could all sit together, at one long metal table, rehashing our favorite Coolio quotes of the day.
Anytime a different restaurant was suggested (mostly by me), it was immediately shut down with a scoff. I didn’t get it, what’s the big deal? Don’t these dudes want some variety?
Turns out they don’t. They really really don’t.
Five years later, we are all in different places. Chicago, Las Vegas, New York City, Reno…6 friends spread out across the country trying not to fall out of touch with each other’s lives.
Our group text thread started innocently enough. Alex sent a picture of his Chipotle burrito, that was received with (what I found to be) an unbelievable amount of commentary. The boys all wanted to know what was in it, how it was wrapped, which “Chipe” (Chipotle slang) he went to, whether or not the burrito artist was receptive, what he got to drink, and what he would get next time he went (the next day.)
Every week, since that fateful day, I receive 50+ texts about Chipotle. IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT CHIPOTLE. And while at first I was resistant, I’ve come to learn some very valuable life lessons. So alas, I present to you, life lessons according to Chipotle (I’d also like to point out, these texts were sent with complete earnestness) :
On Dating (in regards to their margaritas):
On Having a Healthy Diet:
On Sex Life:
On Community and Understanding:
I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s that Chipotle is a force, and we better sign on for the ride or kill ourselves. That’s the lesson. I’m pretty sure that’s the lesson.