IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT, BABY.
You’ve got on your flyest cat hoodie, you shaved your legs, and you’re ready to hit up a hot Brooklyn bar with your bestie for 1-12 of those “frozen liquor coffee thingys that get you hella drunk.”
You’re drinking a little, flirting a little, and dancing a little TOO much like no one is watching (people are watching. People are definitely watching, in fact you should just stop dancing. You’re at a Bluegrass bar), and you are confident this is going to be a great night.
That’s when it happens. In walks your coworker… what’s her name? Shit, what’s her name? FUUUUCK. You see her everyday, what’s wrong with you? You have absolutely nothing to say to her! She seems nice. Are you supposed to know her? One time you told her you liked her dress. What the HELL is her NAME?!… you know the best thing to do is hide. AVOID AVOID AVOID. Slap the rest of that coffee thingy out of your bestie’s hands and run…. But it’s too late. Eye contact is made. She’s approaching… You’re drunk… Let me get you through this:
1) STOP DANCING. You’re still drunk, You’re still at a Bluegrass bar. She doesn’t need to see this side of you.
2) Don’t give her a hug. WHY DID YOU GIVE HER A HUG? She agreed that was weird, it’s written all over her face.
3) Tell her about the frozen Coffee thing, but leave out the part where you’ve had 3 if you don’t count the first two that you were “taste testing.”
4) Don’t try to guess her name. It’s probably not Susan, and you always guess Susan. What’s wrong with you? Stop trying to guess people’s names when you’re drunk. NO ONE IS NAMED SUSAN ANYMORE.
5)Give her a nickname. Like “Champ” or “homie” or “sugar tits.”
6) Reminisce about that time you guys were in the bathroom together once, and you both agreed the water was TOO HOT! lol. Wasn’t that silly?
7) Pull the bar’s fire alarm and run. Run and run and never stop. Move to Omaha, change your name. Send your mom one last letter goodbye because you have a new life now. Your name is Susan Johnson, and you now work from home after getting your degree online from the University of Phoenix.